11:46 p.m. - 2007-02-12
F your good mail
I just finished packing up Max's photos to send to various and sundry relatives and friends. They are beautiful photos, and I am so proud of my little boy. But there are no hand-made valentines, no cute labels on the mailers.....why can't I just be pleased that I am actually mailing them out in a timely fashion and not sweat the details??

I hate being so........ME....sometimes.

11:37 a.m. - 2007-02-12
monday part two
For the second week in a row we were the only ones who showed up to play group. I feel really bad about this, because my son, as soon as I say "do you want to go to play group?" starts saying "Mason! Mason! Mason!" (the name of one of the other little boys in the group) and then when no one shows up...I don't know how much he understands when I try to explain that no one else is coming. It's heartbreaking in the way that only a small child's disappointment or confusion can be heartbreaking.

My father called this morning and volunteered to drive my father in law to the airport for me. An ordinary miracle that I will feel thankful for for a long time. They just left, and I am enjoying the quiet. Well, the quiet of a house inhabited by two dogs and a toddler.

The days are passing too quickly.

8:52 a.m. - 2007-02-12
dreaming of.....who?
Congratulations Dan Zanes & Friends!!

Father in law in town on his way to Amsterdam....He's exhausting! On the one hand, I hope I am as energetic as he is at 80, but on the other hand....is it any wonder that of his four children my husband is the only one left who welcomes him into his home?? I mean, after a half hour with him you just want to curl up in a ball somewhere and giggle maniacally.

Strange dream last night. It involved a boy, that I don't know, that I will never know, because I didn't know who he was. But in the dream I did, and in the dream....well, the dream seemed to start the day after we had apparently met at a party. I lived in the house that my family lived in in Maryland, 1983-1990. I was still married, but I was also a teenager....maybe I wasn't married but I was aware that I already knew who I was going to marry in the future, and this boy wasn't him. Anyway. The dream was basically about the anticipation of seeing him again, and that nervous feeling (!!!!!!) that you don't often feel when you have been married for thirteen years.....

Ah well.

9:30 a.m. - 2007-02-11
it's all a part of me
So, here I am. I don't think I know anyone who uses Diaryland, so I feel like I can be honest and not worry about people I know inadvertantly discovering the real me.

I'll jump on the bandwagon of weightloss diaries, sure, but I really need just a place to vent. I don't know where this diary will take me, but I know I need somewhere to rant or I will lose my mind.

So...I am three days shy of my 32nd birthday. I have a 22 month old son, a wonderful husband who works too much and irritates the hell out of me daily, and I live in a small town in coastal North Carolina that I am trying desperately to mold into my personal vision of idyllic small town living.

I am overweight, and doing Weight Watchers for the second time. The first time I did it was five years ago, and I lost 40 pounds. Since then I have gained it all back, twice. I am a bit obsessed about it right now, and have lost 12 pounds since I started on January 11.

I am trying to be a good mother. I lose my patience a lot.

I am trying to teach myself that I don't always have to be right.

I have a lot of anger.

I hope this helps me deal with it.

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